I think I take myself too seriously. I spent a long time romanticizing apathy and depression in my life. For myself, I didn’t want to act like I cared too much. I liked when the people around me reflected that too. That was clearly an overcompensation for the fact that I cared so much. About how others perceived me, being popular, being loved.
That part of me still exists. But I’ve found an optimistic streak (just a streak, I’m still a realist at heart). I want to care, to will my way to the life I want. I want to will it to happen with every part of myself. My thoughts, my actions, my heart. And if it doesn’t happen, at least I tried. I don’t want to be unhappy. And I don’t want to be happy with anyone only because we’re both unhappy.
I’m privy to the fact that we’re all frauds in some ways, we all lie to ourselves and to others, we all don’t really know who we are, we all don’t fit in. But those things don’t define me, and self-love minimizes them. So just focus on your energy and decide what you want to give it to. And if you can’t, find someone who cherishes your energy more than you and confide in them.